9 fashion choices to avoid at all costs

Men don’t have the same fashion influences that women do. It’s not as socially acceptable for men to discuss what to do and not do. “Does this color work with my skin tone, Frank?” It just doesn’t work the same way.

There are (to be insanely general) three types of men, a) those who don’t care what they’re wearing, b) those who care but don’t know what they’re doing, and c) those who just, know. There are standards though, rules of thumb, things you can abide by to ensure you don’t wear something stupid or unflattering.

9 The Button Down Ripple and Water Marks
I preach the button down shirt’s greatness but you must make sure it fits you well. If I can see your belly, if the fabric is separating, repelling off either side like polarized magnets, then something is wrong. It can make you look heavier than you are, and at that point, we’ll also know about any unfortunate burly chest and/or stomach hair.

The shirt should hang over your stomach, not painted on your torso like a wet suit. If you sweat, wear darker colors or an undershirt.

A good piece of advice: don’t wear your dress shirt on your commute. You will be much more comfortable on the train, subway or car.

8 Short Pants
I don’t get it, pants that float pretentiously above the ankle bone, are a mystery to me. It makes you look like a reject-cast member from a high school production of Oliver!

Things that don’t fit, are not flattering. It also makes you look like a child going through a growth spurt or that you don’t know how to do your laundry, neither are attractive attributes. Pant bottoms should fall just around the line where the rubber sole and the body of the shoe meet. Capri’s on men, are a similar story, It just seems like you lost half your pants somewhere between putting them on and having people see you.

Rule of Thumb: Anything that falls past your calves and does not hit your ankles is off limits.

7 Time or Region-Specific Accessories
Cowboy hats. Cowboy Boots. Bow Ties. Monocles. Ascots. If you are not a Cowboy, Crocodile Dundee, or from the 1800’s you should not be wearing any of these items. It comes off as costumey and ostentatious. Unless you’re acting in some period piece where these antique extras date the production, these should be avoided at all costs. The cowboy attire puts you immediately in the ‘point and laugh’ category to women in large groups at bars. Once you don’t have that yearned for accent, they’ll just recede.

I DO acknowledge that a select few can pull off a bow tie, but your chances are slim.

6 Socks & Sandals
I understand the comfort, wholly. But this is best limited to around the house, and at most, to the deli at the corner. It’s like the male version of UGGS. Shudder.

5 Skinny Pants
There are incredible health risks that go along with men and skinny pants. This isn’t just a taste thing which, I mean, c’mon… skinny pants? Skin-tight denim may put pressure against a nerve in you thigh that makes it tingle. Also, some rumors exist, dating back to the 1970’s, that skinny jeans cause infertility in men. I’m just saying…

No matter who’s wearing them, pants and jeans alike should not be so tight that they’re cutting of circulation. The ‘bulge’ isn’t as appealing as you may think.

I also have several female friends who say that they don’t like dating guys whose thighs look smaller than theirs.

4 Plumber’s Crack
Invest in a belt. If you have a belt, and your pants still reveal the start of your ass crack, your belt does not fit, invest in a new belt.

Ideally, the pant waist should be at your actual waistline. You should be able to breathe and your bladder should not be constantly at attention.

3 Crocs
There’s a part of me that feels I shouldn’t even have to comment on this. My mother wears Crocs to garden. I know they’re comfortable, that’s no excuse. Crocs are worse than UGGS. There, I said it.

2 Jean Shorts
They remind me too much of the early 90’s. I expect it to be paired with a neon orange “South Beach Spring Break 1994″ tee shirt.

1 Overalls
No.

As always, dress in what feels right.

Wear things that fit. Things that are too baggy or too tight not only make you feel uncomfortable but make you look that way as well.

Refrain from really bold colors and patterns if you aren’t used to wearing them. They can drown you out and make you look like a caricature of yourself.

I was going to discuss Hawaiian shirts but it’s more of an age situation than style; under 50-something should probably resist the temptation.

Remember: Try not to look like you’re wearing someone else’s clothes, make sure you like what you’re putting out there, it’s what we see first.