The late, great Easy Rider’s last film is a cartoon about mildly incontinent wolves. Can some Dark Knight dignity be salvaged for the Hollywood hellraiser?
More often than not, actors can’t choose what films they complete just before they die. Sometimes they’ll get lucky and have a Network or a Dark Knight or a Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner in the bag to remind people how great they were. Other times they’ll be lumbered with a Delgo or a Transformers: The Movie or, in Gene Kelly’s case, that horrible Xanadu montage that required him to dress up like a cartoon cowboy and rollerskate around to an ELO song.
I’m telling you this because the trailer for Dennis Hopper’s final film, Alpha and Omega, has been released. For an actor whose career hit the heights of Easy Rider and Apocalypse Now, the quality of his last film doesn’t particularly matter that much – but it’d still be nice for him to bow out with some dignity, wouldn’t it? Let’s pull the trailer apart to see if he did it …
Admittedly Alpha and Omega is a cartoon. But look at his character here – it’s a lone wolf howling proudly at the sky. Signs are good. Dignity level – 8/10.
Wait a minute. Alpha and Omega may be a film about wolves, but it’s actually a film about adorable baby wolves who frolic around in bluebell-filled meadows. Ominous. Dignity level – 6/10.
If the Alpha and Omega trailer is any indication of the actual film, then what you’re looking at here is an image of a wolf spitting out some poo. Some actual wolf poo that went into his mouth when he got his face impaled in a bigger wolf’s bottom. Hopper fans should relax a little – this film still doesn’t look quite as bad as Super Mario Bros – but it won’t be a masterpiece. Dignity level – 3/10.
More bottoms. This time, Lady Wolf is about to be stabbed in the bum by a tranquilliser dart. However – bizarre arse fixation aside – perhaps this means that the film is about humanity’s relentless destruction of the natural world, instead of some poo-eating wolves. Dignity level – 7/10.
Then again, the Alpha and Omega trailer has devoted an entire scene to the sight of a wolf pulling a funny face because it needs to do a wee, so what do I know? Dignity level – 5/10.
And pulling a funny face because another wolf has bitten him on the rear. Dignity level – 4/10.
This is better. Any idiot will have seen this moment coming a mile away, but it’s cute. And it’s not about bums or poo or wee, so I’ll be generous here. Dignity level – 7/10.
I’ll be generous here as well. Yes, it’s a goose pulling what seems like the billionth funny face of the trailer, but Alpha and Omega is a kid’s film. Also, it’s Father’s Day soon, and this goose looks exactly like my dad. Seriously, it’s spooky. Dignity level – 7.5/10.
Oh, hang on. It would appear that the moose is pulling this face because a parasailing wolf has clattered face-first into its bottom, possibly getting its head lodged in the moose’s rectum in the process.
Oh dear. What a sad way to say goodbye to Dennis Hopper. But cheer up – let’s not say that Alpha and Omega is one of the worst films that Dennis Hopper ever made let’s say it’s one of the best films about love-struck, incontinent, bum-obsessed, poo-eating cartoon wolves that anyone has ever made. Dignity doesn’t matter when you’ve got plaudits like that, right?
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